Wedding Jokes / Recent Jokes

1) Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2) You know stuff about tanks.
3) A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4) You can open all your own jars.
5) Dry cleaners and hair cutters don`t rob you blind.
6) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
7) You don`t have to learn to spell a new last name.
8) You can leave the motel bed unmade.
9) You can kill your own food.
10) You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
11) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
12) If someone forgets to invite you to something,
he or she can still be your friend.
13) Your underwear is 10$ for a three-pack.
14) If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
15) Everything on your face stays its original color.
16) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the
passenger`s seat.
17) Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
18) You don`t have to clean your more...

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob
suggests they go in Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

‘Are you the owner? ’

The pharmacist answers yes.

Says Jacob: ‘We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication? ’

Pharmacist: ‘Of course we do. ’

Jacob: ‘How about medicine for circulation? ’

Pharmacist: ‘All kinds. ’

Jacob: ‘Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? ‘

Pharmacist: ‘Definitely. ’

Jacob: ‘How about Viagra? ’

Pharmacist: ‘Of course. ’

Jacob: ‘Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice? ’

Pharmacist: ‘Yes, a large variety. The works. ’

Jacob: ‘What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease? more...

Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don't send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man,
One without a wedding band.
One good man who's sweet as pie,
Who brushes his teeth and doesn't lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn't smell
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that's okay.
Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please God, don't let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won't go without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He'd probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad
I know it's just a passing fad.
I won't be blue. I will not frown
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won't comb my hair
So never mind this stupid prayer
The more...

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth more...

Top Ten Signs You're At A Redneck Wedding
10. Rehersial Dinner is held at Hooter's
9. Instead of "Friends of the bride or friends of the groom," the ushers ask, "Ford or Chevy?"
8. Bridesmaids pick tube tops, Bridegrooms choose Travis Tritt T-shirts.
7. Phrase, "I do" replaced by "I heard that".
6. Tender rendition of the Wedding song performed by Cledus T. Judd.
5. The Minister asks, "Who giveth this woman to be married?" and some guy in the back of the church stands up and yells, " Earnhardt!"
4. Reception Conversation includes, "So what have you been doing since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay
3. Snack Trays at the reception: Vienna Sasuages and Nacho Cheese Doritoes.
2. Plans for the honeymoon evening include tickets to the Monster Truck Show
And the #1 Sign that you are at a redneck wedding...
1. Sign at the front of the Church reads, "No shirt, no shoes, no problem!"

A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their wedding, and both were killed. In heaven, they approached St. Peter. "My fiance and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again."
Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They approached St. Peter again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know that five years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer."
Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the couple. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."
The couple got married.
Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they more...

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety." Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."