Weekend Jokes / Recent Jokes

An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening, "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend." "That sounds fine," she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, "Mind if I play along?" The exec. said, "Fine. Glad to have the company." All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle. "Whoa," he said. "That's a high powered rifle!" more...

Four married guys go golfing over the weekend and on Sunday during the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued. First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5: 30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and say,' Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says,' Wear your sweater.'"

an elderly couple visit there local chemist. The husband goes up to the cashier.
"can i have some condoms miss"
"Where going on a naughty weekend"
Cashier replies "but you folk must be nearly 70 there is no chance of your wife getting pregnant"
"I know" says the old man "But she loves the smell of BURNING RUBBER"

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell a story.

Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto theroad."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story.

Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy more...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he more...

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
__
/
\__/
O
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to
the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor I more...