Weight Jokes / Recent Jokes
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was teh strongest man around that they offered a standing bet for $1000.00
The bartender would sqeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, long-shoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said, in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered the bartender paid the man the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a more...
In his youth, Frank was in good shape. But about 10 years ago he started gaining weight, and became quite obese.
Frank decided to loose weight. He worked hard, passed up desserts and excessive food in spite of the difficulty in doing so, and gradually went back to his former weight.
Again being slim, Frank decided to try on an old suit he hadn't been able to wear for years. It looked great. But he noticed something in the pocket. It was a ticket from a local shoe repair shop.
Frank didn't remember taking any shoes to be repaired, but he decided to take in the ticket to see if they still had his shoes.
The next day he walked in the door of the repair shop, and handed the clerk the ticket. After disappearing behind a curtain for several minutes, the clerk came out and announced, "They will be ready next Tuesday."
there were three guys in an airplane. One was an army guy, the other was a priest, and the other one was a weight lifter. The plane was falling, so the pilot asked them each to throw something off. the army guy threw off a grenade, the priest threw off a bible, and the weight lifter threw off a weight. The plane was still falling so they all jumped off. The three of them were walking when they saw an old lady crying. They asked her why she was crying and she said she got hit in the head with a weight. they all left feeling sorry. Then they saw a man crying. they asked him why he was crying and he said he got hit in the head with a bible. this time they felt a little worried, but nonetheless they kept walking. this time they saw a little kid laughing really hard. they asked him why he was laughing, and he said he farted and his house blew up.
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight, and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great husband."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Weight ControlHere's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories perhour they consume.Beating around the bush... 75Jumping to conclusions... 100Climbing the walls... 150Swallowing your pride... 50Passing the buck... 25Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight)... 50-300Dragging your heels... 100Pushing your luck... 250Making mountains out of molehills... 500Hitting the nail on the head... 50Wading through paperwork... 300Bending over backwards... 75Jumping on the bandwagon... 200Balancing the books... 25Running around in circles... 350Eating crow... 225Tooting your own horn... 25Climbing the ladder of success... 750Pulling out the stops... 75Adding fuel to the fire... 160Wrapping it up at the day's end... 12To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:Opening a can of worms... 50Putting your foot in your mouth... 300Starting the ball rolling... 90Going over the edge... 25Picking up the pieces after... 350
What is the proper weight for a lawyer? About 3 pounds,. ......not counting the urn!
A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad." "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."