Weight Jokes / Recent Jokes

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.
It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he' putt-putted'. He' putted' more...

Joe took his blind date to the carnival.

"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get
weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He
guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she
won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over,
Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get
weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they
had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his
dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to
next.

"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she
was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a
handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was more...

Republic Insurance Company

Carson, California

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.

In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "POOR PLANNING" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should elaborate more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of more...

The floor of a Weight Watchers clinic in Växjö in south central Swedencollapsed on Wednesday night beneath a group of about 20 participantsin the weight-loss program. Even more of a reality check for the participants: There was no basement.

The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant.
"Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."
The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the lady's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.
"Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!"
"Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."