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All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, more...

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. There may be 50 ways to leave more...

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a youngnewlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastorgoes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sexfor the two weeks?"The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor.""Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastorgoes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstainfrom sex for the two weeks?"The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week Ihad to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to thenewlywed couple and asks,' Well, were you able to abstain from sex fortwo weeks?""Well Pastor, we were more...

Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I. Q. is--hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there. The day of Bob's party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I. Q. is."200, 000" replies the first guest."Well, that's great," says Bob, let's talk about ethereal astro physics. Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while. Later in the party, someone else is at the door. "Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I. Q.?"The new guest responds with "250"."Great," says Bob. "Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile. Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. "Hi, my name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I. more...

Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the airlines...
From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
United Airlines FA: more...

There's this guy named Jack, and he has a girlfriend named Wendy. Jack
loves Wendy a lot, and decides to ask her to marry him. And to prove
how
much he loves her, he goes and gets "Wendy" tattooed on his penis, to
show
her how much that he loves her. When it's erect, is says her name, and
when
deflated, it reads "Wy"
So, there doing it the next night, and when she sees her name on his
masculine member, he pops the question, and she accepts.
They decide to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon. Once down there, they
decided to try out all of the local culture, including a nude beach.
So,
they go to the beach, and are having a great time, when Jack decides to
get
up from sunbathing and go and get something to drink at the bar down the
beach.
So, he walks over to the bar, with his deflated muscle, trying not to
let
his eye wander, hence embarrassment to himself. He orders a more...

A guy dies and goes to heaven and he is met by St Peter at the gate who asks, "What did you do all your life?"

The man says, "Well, I was a doctor and I tried to cure people of illness and suffering."

St. Peter opened the gate and said, "Welcome. Come right in!"

The second man dies and he meets St. Peter at the gates and is asked what he had done all his life and he replies, "I was a pharmacist and I filled prescriptions that helped people feel better and relieved their pain."

"Welcome," says St. Peter. He opens the gate and lets the man in.

The third man dies and meets St. Peter at the gate.

"What did you do all your life?" asks St. Peter.

"Oh, I ran an HMO," he replied.

"Welcome," said St. Peter. " Come right in - BUT you can only stay 3 days."