Welcome Jokes / Recent Jokes
Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.""There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane...""Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.""We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.""Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign more...
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up." Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded." What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked." I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids." "Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates." A few moments later a second man walks up." Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded." What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked." I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers." "Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise." A few moments later a third man walks up." Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded." What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked." I was a Military Policeman, Sir."
An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, ''Welcome to heaven, my son.'' God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. ''I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,'' the doctor replies. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' God says. God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' says God, ''but you have to leave in two days.''
Dear Mother and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay? Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It`s more...
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"5. After a particularly rough landing more...
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a youngnewlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastorgoes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sexfor the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastorgoes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstainfrom sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week Ihad to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to thenewlywed couple and asks,' Well, were you able to abstain from sex fortwo weeks?" "Well Pastor, more...
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in more...