Well Jokes / Recent Jokes

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

"Oldest trick in the book, son," I informed him.

"You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape."

"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. Call the professional.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. more...

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession. "Father, I kinda took a leetle lumber from dat new construction site."

Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son"?

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm' fraid someone will break dey laig, so I fix de hole. "

Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a leetle lumber left."

Priest: "What did you do with it?"

Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta de wether, so I make him his own leetle doghouse."

Priest: "OK, anything else?"

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a leetle lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de wether either, so I make her a two car garage."

Priest: "Now, this is getting a little more...

A small boy walks into his mothers room and catches her topless." Mummy, mummy, what are these?" he says, pointing to her breasts." Well, son," she says, "these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven." Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes offquite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes intothe kitchen." Mummy, mummy, Aunt Mary is dying!"What do you mean? says his mother. Well she's in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both herballoons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling"God, I'm coming! I'm coming!!!"

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits an English farmer.

"So, English farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting,"replies the researcher and he leaves the English farmer. Then he meets an Australian farmer.

"So, Australian farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting,"replies the researcher,"That's how they do it in England too."And he leaves the Australian farmer.

Then he meets a farmer from New Zealand.

"So, kiwi farmer, how do you shag your more...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the more...

The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?"Little Johnny replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!"The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.The principal replies, "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth."Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story...After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the wall!"

I was hanging out in a SCSI bar. A loud bandwidth played in the corner.

I gave the place a binary search. I saw a little chip in the corner. She SIMMed like a pro. I traversed over to her.

She pressed her Apples against me. "Hey, Mac, do you have a hard drive?"

"No, only a floppy," I replied.

"Well, then you need an Amiga," she sed.

"Vi?"

"Well, if I was your Amiga, we could interface."

We went to a motel on a VESA local bus.

The motel was SCSI-2. It needed to be debugged.

"So, how much is this going to cost me?" I queried.

She added it up right away. She had a mind like a...like a.... She could add really fast.

She stripped her binaries. It was quite a procedure.

"I'm going to turn your software into hardware," she transmitted.

She started to more...