Whatever Jokes / Recent Jokes

Mrs Goldstein was playing a round of golf on a hot afternoon when she hit the ball right into the rough. She went to fetch it and where the ball had landed she found a frog in a trap.
"Please help me" the frog exclaimed, "If you let me out I'll grant you three wishes!"
Without wasting any time Mrs Goldstein releases the frog and waits for him to speak again.
"What I failed to tell you", the frog said, "is that whatever YOU wish for, Mr Goldstein will get 10 times better or more"
Mrs Goldstein is happy anyway and goes ahead with her first wish.
"I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world!" she demanded
"You do realise", said the frog, "that Mr Goldstein will become the most handsome man in the world and all women will flock to him."
However, Mrs Goldstein believes that if she is the most beautiful woman in the world, then he will only have eyes for her.
Next come her second more...

One day, 3 men were walking around in the desert. One was poor, but had lots to drink and was smart; one was rich and very thirsty but was smart, and the last was poor, thirsty and stupid.
Suddenly a genie popped up and said, "Each of you can have one wish, but it is a different sort of wish to the usual. Each of you can go down this magic slide," and a slide appeared from nowhere, "and whatever you say in the slide you will land in a large pile of whatever you said."
The first man went down and said, "GOLD," and he landed in gold; the second man said, "COCA-COLA," and he landed in coca-cola; the last man said, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and he landed in wee.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night. They approach the clerk, and Santa says, "Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?"
"You mean a room with two beds?" asks the clerk.
"Whatever, whatever you shay."
So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.
"Ahh," says Santa, "Now we can get some sleep at last."
As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.
"Hey! There's somebody in my bed!" says Banta.
"There's somebody in my bed too!" says Santa.
"Let's get rid of them. We paid for this room and we're going to sleep in the beds!" says Banta.
They start a more...

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what they do with the money they receive in the collection plate.
One priest says, "Well, I draw a line on the floor, throw all the money in the air and whatever lands north of the line, I give to God, the rest I keep."
The other priest says, "I do pretty much the same thing... I draw a circle, throw all the money in the air and whatever lands inside the circle, I give to God, and whatever lands outside, I keep."
The rabbi says, "Well, I do the same sort of thing too. I throw all the money up in the air and whatever God grabs, he gets!"

o The X(mas) Files o Star Wars Holiday Humor o A Star Trek: The Next Generation Night Before Christmas
The X(mas) Files
Mulder: We’re too late. It’s already been here.
Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.
Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.
Scully: You really think someone’s been here?
Mulder: Someone or some THING.
Scully: Mulder, over here - it’s fruitcake.
Mulder: Don’t touch it! Those things can be lethal.
Scully: It’s O. K. There’s a note attached: “Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice. ”
Mulder: It’s judging them, Scully. It’s making a list.
Scully: Who? What are you talking about?
Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each more...

Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here. Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing. Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care. Scully: You really think someone's been here? Mulder: Someone or some thing. Scully: Mulder, over here--it's fruitcake. Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal. Scully: It's O. K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list. Scully: Who? What are you talking about? Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite. Scully: But that's legend, more...