Whatever Jokes / Recent Jokes

Reporter: Governor Clinton, what damage do you think has been done to your campaign by your wife`s comment the other day about how "Hitler was really a great guy"?

Clinton: (Mixture of sadness and anger, but articulate as always.) Hillary and myself are shocked, outraged, and deeply saddened by this terrible misunderstanding. The media hype is way out of proportion. You guys should know us by now--we would never say anything like that. And though she did say a few things about Germany she certainly didn`t mean anything offensive by her remarks, which I might add have been willfully and shamefully taken out of context and distorted. There is nothing in my life, or Hillary`s life, which can be construed as derogatory toward the German people. We honor them. Some of our best friends are Germans. My own grandmother was one-quarter German. And it certainly isn`t true that Germans are excluded from our country club. In my eleven years as Governor of Arkansas I was more...

1. Disregard all nonessential numbers. These include age, weight and height.

(Drink lots of beer)

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably family members that fill that need.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever Just never let the brain idle.

(Drink lots of beer)

4. Enjoy the simple things. Remember - when you were young, that's all you could afford. When you were in college, that's all that you could afford. When you are on retirement, that is all that you can afford!

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked anywhere by your distinctive laughter.

(Drink lots of beer)

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, more...

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said more...

Three friends died and went to heaven. The first friend, Sarah, was the first one to go into the pearly gates and meet "God"." Hello Sarah, it is so nice to see you here" God said to her. "Please make yourself at home and do whatever you want. Slide down the rainbows, sleep on the clouds, just have fun. BUT DON'T Step on the ducks" God said. "We love and cherish ducks here". So, Sarah goes on her merry way and enjoys herself. Until OPPS! She steps on a duck. Suddenly the ugliest, most hideous man pops up and Sarah realized she must spend the rest of her life with him. Next, Olivia goes into the pearly gates and God tells her the same thing. "Do whatever you want, just DON'T step on the ducks". So, Olivia goes on her way and OPPS! She steps on a duck. And she, too has to spend the rest of her life with a ugly, hideous man. The last friend, Jenn, goes to meet and God and he tells her the same thing. "DON'T STEP on the ducks". more...

Sam went to see the urologist, complaining of discharge dripping from his penis.
The doctor took one look and told him he had V.D.
"No way, Doc," replied a blushing Sam. "It must be a cold."
"Sam, call it whatever you like," the doctor said, "but until it sneezes, we'll have to treat it for V.D."

Whatever happens to you, it will have previously happened to everyone else, only more so.

I do whatever the voices tell me to. It depends on who yells the loudest.