Whole Jokes / Recent Jokes
Three men wandered to jungles and were captured by a tribe of natives. The chief came to the men and said, "You have crossed our tribal land and now must be punished. You have a choice, Bunda or death."
The first man said,"Well... I don't want to die so I chose Bunda!" The whole tribe lined up and gave it to him up the arse. He crawled away in agony. The chief looked to the second man and told him to choose.
The second man said,"well... that looked painful as hell, but it's better than death... I choose Bunda!" So, again the whole tribe lines up and gives it up the arse to the second man and he crawls away in agony.
The Third man said, "Fuck this, I want DEATH!"
The Chief turn the the tribe and yelled, "DEATH BY BUNDA!!!!"
I spent the whole evening knotsurfing! Don't you mean netsurfing? No, everyone was complaining because I tied the computer up for ages!
MEAT -- Terry Bisson
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief...
' They're made out of meat!'
'Meat?'
'Meat. They're made out of meat.'
'Meat?'
'There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat.'
'That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars.'
'They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines.'
'So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact.'
'They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines.'
'That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient more...
Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: Cancerians would worry themselves to death with the problem.
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agents get a Virgo in to do it for them while they're out.
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay?
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn a more...
' Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy's Guide To Life'
by Texas Bix Bender
--------------------------------------------------
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Never ask a man the size of his spread.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks more...
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave more...
I hate some things about this time of year. Not the crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts... eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.
Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick?
I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave more...