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Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who's used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a more...

A lecturer at a medical college asked a colleague to help him with a shenanigan. He explained that he was shortly conducting a tour for prospective students, during which they would be coming down to the vaults to get their first look at a corpse. The idea was that his friend would play the corpse, and when his drawer was opened and the visitors were examining he would suddenly jump to his feet, thereby scaring the life out of them.
The friend agreed, and at the appointed hour the lecturer loaded him into the cold storage unit.
It was only when he was inside that he realized that the storage unit was not divided into individual cubicles. Instead, each slab was suspended on rails in a large open chamber, and he was surrounded by corpses on all sides.
After a few minutes he found the whole thing a bit too creepy, and he began hesitantly to call out things like, "Errm, Dave... maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all... d'you think you could let me out, I've more...

For Christmas last year my wife gave me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity Internet Web team in college, I decided it was a good idea to try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. I thought y'all might enjoy my journal:
Day 1:
Started the morning at 5: 00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club, Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about 30-50 points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was more...

A Rabbi walks into a bar to use the restroom. He walks up to the bartender,
and asks "Can I please use the restroom?" The place was hoppin' with music, and
dancin', till they saw the Rabbi. The bartender says, "I really don't think you
should."
The Rabbi again, asks, "Can I please use the restroom?" Well, the
bartender says to the Rabbi, "I really don't think you should, you see, there
is a statue of a beautiful naked lady, and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
The Rabbi responded with, "Nonsense a man of my stature will not be bothered by
that statue!" Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door at the top of the
stairs.
The Rabbi proceeded to the restroom, and after a few minutes, he came
back out, and the whole place was hoppin' with music and dancin' again! He went
to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand, when I came in here, the
place was hoppin' with music more...

A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party were discussing the problemof one of their daughters, who looked very much as though she were planning to marry a Gentile boy. Everyone was disturbed about it, and Icould not help interrupting. "Why not?" said I. "Let her marry a Gentile boy. I'm all in favor ofJewish girls marrying Gentile boys." "Why?" chorused the women. And I said, "Because why should the Jewish boys have all the badluck?"

I spent the whole evening knotsurfing! Dont you mean netsurfing? No, everyone was complaining because I tied the computer up for ages!

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey more...