Widow Jokes / Recent Jokes

Here's a sick one...So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut offher late husband's penis and shove it up his rectum. The morticianobjects, but threatening not to pay, he relents. Later, at the coffinclosing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees atear coming from his eye. She says "Hurts doesn't it, you son of abitch!"

On September 4 1999 at 9. 30 a. m. Ron Guptey of N. S. W Australia went into hospital complaining of severe pain in the rectum area. The doctor on call examined him, he found severe swelling around the anus but was left puzzled because he had not seen such a thing before.

Two more doctors examined Ron but they too were left confused about what was happening. Through the day Ron's was deteriorating he had developed a fever and was suffering a lot of pain around his abdomen. The doctors gave pain killers but the symptoms worsened until 2. 57 p. m. when he lapsed into a coma and 2 hours later was pronounced dead.

An investigation was led to discover the reason of death. The body was placed in for a post mortem, traces of wood bark were found inside the rectal passage, but as the examination went further the doctor discovered about 3 or 4 black widow spiders in Ron's intestine.

The police had found a tree with a cut of branch along the side in Ron's back more...

Here's a sick one... So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut offher late husband's penis and shove it up his rectum. The morticianobjects, but threatening not to pay, he relents. Later, at the coffinclosing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees atear coming from his eye. She says "Hurts doesn't it, you son of abitch!"

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.
After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.
"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"
"It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life".
"Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?"
"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself".
The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain -
"And how's your sex life...."
"Infrequently", he more...

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON`T BEAT ME UP
2. WON`T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail... all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?" "Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I`ve got no arms, so I can`t beat you up and I`ve got no legs, so I can`t run away." The old woman asked, "What makes you think you`re so great in bed?" To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn`t I?"

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little."Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?""It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life"."Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?""So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself".The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain - "And how's your sex life....""Infrequently", he declares.The widow ponders this for a more...

This one was in a recent Readers Digest.
Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down.
The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the
door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and
the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend
the night in the guest bedrooms. ZZZZZZZ
In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.
About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe
what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:
"When we spent the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her
bedroom in the middle of the night?"
"Why, yes I did."
"And did you use my name?"
"Why, yes how did you know?"
"Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"