Win Jokes / Recent Jokes
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you lay the blame.
One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye. ”
The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye. ”
Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep, ” he burbles, “I’ll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put more...
* And the empire of the Great Nerd of the West shall crumble, when the thinking machines are destroyed by two millenniums of insects.
* The Anti-Christ will lose in personal combat with a small purple purse-carrying being with a triangle on its head.
* The Empire of the Right shall be led by a simpleton who knoweth not the spelling of the fruits of the earth.
* Women will take fitness advice from a hyperactive frizzy-haired man of questionable heterosexuality.
* A man made of wood will lead the great nation of the eagle.
* Devastation, fire, sword, pillage befalls the Elephant and the two-faced cow known as Linda.
* In a town known as Slidell, in a place called Louisiana, in a country designated the United States, there will be an eatery referred to as Taco Bell, that will eventually fill a drive-thru order correctly.
* The one-gloved king of the land known as Pop will form an unholy union with a particularly naughty chimpanzee.
* Joy and more...
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, ”I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely naked. ” With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling ”Come on baby, momma needs new clothes! ” She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling ”YES, I WIN! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!! ” With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left.
The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, ”What the hell did she roll anyway? ” The second dealer answered, ”I thought you were paying attention! ”
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His businessstarted going bust and he found himself in serious financialtrouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray forhelp."Oh Lord, please help me, Ive lost my business and if Idont get some money, Im going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prize. Joe again looked up and prayed..."Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! Ive lost mybusiness, my house and Im going to lose my car as well". Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck. Once again, he prayed... "Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? Ive lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. Idont often ask you for help and I have always been a goodservant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this onetime so I can get my life back in order. .. " Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavensopened and Joe was confronted by more...
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex more...
Trying to win over the liberals in his congregation, the right-wing preacher said at the end his sermon, "And if an airplane went down rying the leaders of both parties, whom do think the good Lord will have saved?"
A small voice said from somewhere in tl audience, "The country?"