Win Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Craven

Once upon an
election so dreary
as we pondered weak and weary
Over many quaint and curious rights of Constitutional lore.
While G.W. nodded, nearly napping,
suddenly came a tapping,
As of someone loudly rapping,
rapping at the White House door.
"'Tis some visitor," he muttered, "tapping at the White House door."
Only to find it was Michael Moore.

Ah, distinctly G.W. remembered it was the bleak June,
And now his approval rate wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly he wished for the election to be over, vainly he sought to win
For his second term. But now he sorrowed for the lost glamour.
"Will you let me enter?" bade Michael. "Can we talk about the war?"
Quoth G.W.:
"Never, Moore!"

Then, Michael thought, the air grew denser, stilled by an unseen censor
Swung by G.W.'s staunch supporters whose influence one more...

1. Coca-cola was originally green. 2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury. 3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever. 4. Dumbest dog: Afghan5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. 6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better. 7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 28. Amount American Airlines saved in' 87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40, 0009. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 412. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/1213. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-3317. Average number of days a West German goes more...

Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50, 000 from the insurance company. “Honey, if I lie, I’ll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible. ”His wife says, “I don’t want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but. . . ”"But, what? ”"Let me put it this way, ” his wife explained. “Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed. ”Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, “How so? ”Mrs. Smith replies, “Just lie there ’til he goes away. ”

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

* Drink Liquor

Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

* Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians more...

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling." "Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?" "Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For more...

When asked, "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don''t win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye." The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye."
Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 more...