Wind Jokes / Recent Jokes
When people fart they break wind.... when people burp they make wind, however when people hiccup, they are just being stoopid!
Everyone breaks wind, admit it or not. Kings do and queens do.
Edward Lear, the 19th century English landscape painter, wrote affectionately of a favorite Duchess who gave enormous dinner parties attended by the cream of society.
One night she let out a ripper and quick as a flash she turned her gaze to her stoic butler, standing, as always, behind her.
"Hawkins!" she cried, "Stop that!"
"Certainly, your Grace," he replied with unhurried dignity, "which way did it go?"
Are YOU A HARD MAN? 1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you? a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear. b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite. c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off. 2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers "I love you". Do you? a) Whisper back "I love you too". b) Put your arse on her leg and fart. c) Say "Go to sleep dog breath". 3/. After you have made love to your wife do you? a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep. b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over. c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids. 4/. If you break wind during the night do you? a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear. b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off. c)Blame her and give her a boot. 5/. If she breaks wind do you? a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear. b) Clout the bitch. c) Say "you dirty bitch" and shove her out in the back yard. 6/. You come home early more...
A man had been in business for many years and his business was going down the drain and was full of debt. He was seriously contemplating suicide and he didn't know what to do. So he went to his Priest to seek advice.
He told the Priest about all of his problems in business and asked the Priest what he should do. The Priest said "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do."
The man did as he is told. He placed a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drove down to the beach. He sat on the chair at the water's edge and opened the Bible. The wind rifled the pages of the Bible and then stopped at a particular page. He looked down at the Bible and knew more...
A golfer was having a round of golf with the local vicar. The golfer took his birdie put, but then a gust of wind blew the ball just wide of the hole. The golfer, being very bad tempered, then exclaimed "Damn - missed the bugger!".
The vicar said to the man "Please do not use foul language again."
They moved onto the next hole and exactly the same thing happened - a gust of wind blew the ball just wide. Once again the golfer shouted "Damn - missed the bugger!"
This annoyed the vicar, so he turned to the man and said "Please do not use bad language again, or the heavens shall open and God will strike you down with a bolt of lightning!"
But once again, on the next hole a gust of wind blew the ball just wide, and the golfer screamed "Damn - missed the bugger!"
As soon as he said this the heavens opened and a lightning bolt shot down and struck the vicar.
Then God's voice boomed "Damn - missed the bugger!"