Wine Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Smarter Sex?
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both
of their cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the
rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" the woman continued, "and look at this,
here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle
of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it more...

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews
had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from
the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would
have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish
community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews
would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the
Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe,
to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could
not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it
was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe
sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope
raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then more...

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most more...

In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac
Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions
Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce
The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose Bierce
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David more...

In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth AshleyMany a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim BackusNo man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de BalzacHoneymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray BandyMarriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - BaskinsI feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame InductionsLove: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose BierceThe world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose BierceI recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David BissonetteAh Mozart! He was happily married more...

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the cow."

Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine?
A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"