Winter Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer, she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter, we spend a week at Delray Beach.""That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter, she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer, two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody.""So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her."Three times a week, she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an
hour - just to talk about me!"

Log on - Make the wood stove hotter
Log off - Don't add no more wood
Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove
Download - Getting the firewood off the truck
Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
Ram - The thing that splits the firewood
Hard drive - Getting home in the winter
Prompt - What the mail ain't in the winter
Window - What to shut when it's cold outside
Screen - What to shut in black fly season
Byte - What the black flies do
Bit - What the black flies did
Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do chip Munchies for TV
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat the chips
Modem - What you did to the hay fields
Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
Lap top - Where the kitty sleeps
Software - The dumb plastic knives & forks they give you at McDonalds
Hardware - The real stainless steel cutlery.
Mouse - What eats grain in the barn
Main frame - What holds the barn up
Enter more...

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn more...

Chichen Feathers There once was a chicken farmer who lived in a small village in China. One year, all of his chickens were afflicted with a strange blight that caused them to lose their feathers. The farmer was deeply concerned about this, because winter was coming, and, if the chickens had no feathers, they would freeze to death. So, the farmer decided to consult the two wisest men in the land. First, he visited Mr. Ching, the renowned scholar. Mr. Ching leafed through all his agricultural and medicinal texts and pored over books and scrolls well into the night. Finally, he returned to the farmer and told him that, if he crushed the leaves of a gum tree into powder, made it into tea, and fed it to his chickens, they would be cured. The farmer then went to Mr. Ming, the great seer. Mr. Ming cast stones, read tea leaves, and poked through entrails until finally he came up with the answer: "Tea made from gum leaves will cause feathers to stick to chicken." Now the farmer was more...

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.Log Off: Don't add no wood.Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.Byte: That's what the flies do.Chip: What to munch on.Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.Port: Fancy wine.Enter: C'mon in.Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that more...

Preserving the Egg of LifeObviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing thestruggle to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impendingwinter. The rites begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on thefirst day of the New Year, with great festivals identified with bowlsof plenty. The festivals are associated with flowers such as roses; fruits such as oranges; farm crops such as cotton; and even sun-worshipand appeasement of great reptiles such as alligators. In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called"The Oval", an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The conventionof "The Oval" is repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design ofthe vast outdoor churches in which the services are held every sabbathin every town and city. Also every Sunday in the greater centers ofpopulation where an advanced priesthood performs. These enormouschurches dominate every college campus; no other edifice compares insize with them, and more...

Sven and Olie died and went to Hell. After awhile, the Devil came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement, he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and seemed to be quite comfortable. The Devil asked why they weren't hot.

Olie replied, "We come from Minnesota where it's always cold. This is feeling pretty good to us." This upset the Devil, so he turned up the thermostat. Awhile later the Devil looked in again on Sven and Olie. To his surprise he found they were still wearing their winter gear. The Devil questioned them on it again. "You have to remember that we are from Minnesota and it's very, very cold there. This is feeling nice to us."

The Devil was even madder at this, so he turned the thermostat all the way up to maximum temperature. The Devil waited some time and then went back to Sven and Olie. This time he found they had only unzipped their coats, but still had all their winter clothes on. The more...