Wise Jokes / Recent Jokes

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I`ll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

5. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

6. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

7. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

8. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

10. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

11. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

12. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" more...

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, the three wise man came from afar."

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves more...

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that: - quicksand can work slowly - boxing rings are square - and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers
write, but fingers don't fing... - grocers don't groce,- and hammers
don't ham?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England, nor French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies... while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

If the plural of tooth is teeth... - why isn't the plural of booth beeth?


One goose, 2 geese; so, one moose, 2. .. meese?

One index, two indices?

Is cheese the plural of choose?

If it is he, his and him - Shouldn't it be she, shis and shim?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, more...

Word to the wise golfer - when you stick your tee in foreign turf.... you increase the chance you will lose your balls.

You don`t recall that line from It`s A Wonderful Life saying, "Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!"

Your kid makes a fortune trading in "Elmo futures."

Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary "4th wise man" in new nativity scenes.

The impossible-to-get "Tickle Me Jesus"

Santa`s Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year`s Indy 500.

Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia Pet.

WWF presents "Oh, Holy Night" Cage Match pitting The Three Wise Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy!

Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly heavier Cecil Fielder.

Rudolph demands Holiday Pay or he walks.

Santa`s North Pole operation announces a corporate downsizing amidst rumors that the Elf more...