Wonderful Jokes / Recent Jokes
Banta: "Yaar Santa, last night I had a wonderful dream, I saw I was getting married.
If your favorite color is: RED Tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is lighted, it may take hours to extinguish. When two Reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterley blush. Lovers of Red tend to be the aggressors and weaker colors should beware! YELLOW If you tend to favor Yellow your sexual drivers are complex and lean toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is Yellow! No don't panic, not everyone who wears Yellow is gay. In most cases the person will acquiesce to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from someone you enjoy or admire. PURPLE Lovers of the color Purple frequently consider themselves too regal for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to muss their hair. Men are businesslike in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, Purple more...
A Jewish woman called Mount Sinai Hospital and said, "Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the name of the patient and the room number?"
The woman replied, "She's Sadie Rosenberg, in room 412."
The voice answered, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Rosenberg is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Goldbloom is going to send her home on Monday."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic, darling! Thank you for such wonderful news!"
The voice on the phone said, ""From your enthusiasm, I take it you must more...
A gay Jewish boy phones home, and tells his momma that he wants to go back into the closet. The reason being that he has met a wonderful girl and they are to be married.
He adds that he knows this will come as a huge relief to her, as his gay lifestyle had been a source of much distress for her.
Of course Momma is over the moon, and wants to start making wedding plans immediately!
Then after a pause, she ventures "I suppose it's too much to hope that the girl is also Jewish?"
He replies, "yes Momma, she is Jewish, and what's more, is from a very wealthy and respectable Beverly Hills family."
Momma is beside herself! "And what is the name of this wonderful girl?"
And the son replies,
"Monica Lewinsky".
There is a looooong pause. Then Momma asks,
"Whatever happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"
IT'S A WONDERFUL MACHINE
The Sweetest Christmas Movie Frank Capra Never Made
-- by David Pogue
I guess I shouldn't have gone to a party where the eggnog was spiked, and maybe I shouldn't have watched the movie It's a Wonderful Life while leafing through MacWeek. But anyway, I had the weirdest dream last night -- like a bizarre black-and-white movie that went like this: Jimmy Stewart stars as Steve' Jobs' Bailey, who runs a beleaguered but beloved small-town computer company. For years, big monopolist Bill' Gates' Potter has been wielding his power and money to gain control of the town. And for years, Steve has fought for survival:' This town needs my measly, one-horse computer, if only to have something for people to use instead of Windows!'
But now an angry mob is banging on Apple's front door, panicking.' The press says your company is doomed!' yells one man.' You killed the clones! We're going to Windows!' calls another.' We want out of our more...
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You have lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more...
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were more...