Word Jokes / Recent Jokes
It was the first day of grade school and the teacher asked the children what they had done over the summer.
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I went for a ride on the choo-choo."
"That's very nice," the teacher said, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say choo-choo, we say train."
The next child raised her hand and said, "I had to have an operation on my tummy this summer."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said the teacher, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say tummy, we say stomach."
The third child stood up, feeling quite smart and grown-up, and said, "This summer we got to go to DisneyWorld and I met Winnie the Shit!"
A kindergartener was practicing her spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: dog, cat, mom, and dad were proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning, while getting ready for school, she ran into the kitchen with her arms outstretched. In her hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Mommy, look what I spelled," she exclaimed proudly.
"That's wonderful!" her mother praised her. "Go and put them on the fridge so Daddy can see them tonight when he gets home from work." The mother happily thought that the Catholic education was certainly having an impact.
Just then, a little voice called out... "Mommy, how do you spell 'zilla'?"
The word "racecar", "kayak", and "radar" are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
"a man a plan a canal panama" spelled backwards is still "a man a plan a canal panama"
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
"Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
Eskimos use refrigerators to keep food FROM freezing.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming more...
Dave Barry says:
In the early days, different brands of computers used different operating systems, which meant that people switching from one computer to another would have to learn a completely new set of instructions. This was obviously inefficient, so in the early 1980s, most major computer
manufacturers agreed to stop forcing people to learn a bunch of different operating systems, and instead adopt a single, uniform, standardized operating system so absurdly non-intuitive that nobody could learn it. This system was called MS-DOS.
The MS, of course, stood for Microsoft, the company that was started by the brilliant software genius Bill Gates. Gates is a very rich man today - Forbes Magazine estimates that he is worth more than the entire O. J. Simpson defence team combined - and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
To understand what I mean by versions, let's consider an analogy involving cars. Suppose you've purchased a new car, and you more...
one day sally was jumping on railroad tracks saying 21, 21, 21 then she sees a blonde and asks if she wants to jump with her and the blonde said sure so they are jumping and saying 21, 21, 21 and a train starts to come and sally jumps off and the blonde continues to jump the train kills her and then sally gets up and starts jumping again an is saying 22, 22, 22.
by Stephen R.
Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)
College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
* Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.
* Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget more...
One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word "shit". He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him "coats and jackets". Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "fucking", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said "cooking". Then, he returned to school the third day and heard the words "bitches and hoes". He went home and his father told him it meant "grandpa and grandma". Later, on Thanksgiving night, his grandparents came over. Timmy answered the door with glee and says..."Hey bitches and hoes! I'll take your shit to the closet cause dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!