Working Jokes / Recent Jokes
Once upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladamir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladamir had no success.
Vladamir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?"
Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret. . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public."
Vladamir: "OK. Its a deal."
Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedos. When the women see it they come running from miles around."
Vladamir: "That's it? I can do that."
The next day, Vladamir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos.
As he walked out onto more...
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.
Jack decided to contact a company more...
Dear Abby:I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Jersey City.I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children.I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who
lives in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters
would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer more...
A wildlife biologist is working in the woods, miles from the nearest town. Hes camped alone with his dog and cat as his companions. Suddenly, an old gentleman carrying a small limp dog, franticly runs into his camp. "Please, please help me! I think something has happened to Willie. Our Winnebago is parked just around the bend and weve seen you camped here. We didnt know what to do. We thought of you because we had seen all this scientific equipment laying around here. Can you help him?"" Sir, Im not a vet, Im a wildlife biologist," the young biologist told the worried man."Can you please just have a look at him, Ill pay you anything you need. I just need to know. If hes still alive, maybe I can rush him into town.""Ok, put him here on the table." The young biologist looks the limp dog over, but its plain that the dog is dead,, no pulse or signs of breathing."Im sorry sir, but Im afraid poor Willie is dead." "No, I cant believe more...
one day a fireman was working on his truck when next door to him was a little girl working on her firetruck which was a wagon, the fireman goes over and says "Nice firetruck," the little girl replies "Thank you" theres a dog and a cat pulling the wagon. One rope tied to the dogs collar and the other rope tied to the cats testicles, the fireman says "It would be easier for the cat if u tied the rope around the cats collar," the little girl replies,"That wont work, cause then i wont have a siren!"
Calling me with a question - $10
Calling me with a stupid question - $20
Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $30
Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate
problem description - $1000 + punitive damages
Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $10.00
Questions where answer is in TFM - $100.00
Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - $100
Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my
end somehow - $200
Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $5/step
Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile + gas
If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's
problem - $45/hr
If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $50/hr
If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr
If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that more...