"Fees For Technical Support" joke

Calling me with a question - $10
Calling me with a stupid question - $20
Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $30
Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate
problem description - $1000 + punitive damages
Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $10.00
Questions where answer is in TFM - $100.00
Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - $100
Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my
end somehow - $200
Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $5/step
Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile + gas
If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's
problem - $45/hr
If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $50/hr
If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr
If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm
currently working on - $70/hr
If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday - $75/hr
If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but
never did fix - $85/hr
If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't
work - $95/hr
If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who could
have done it for you - $150/hr
Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving
immediately after hanging up the phone - $1500.00
Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having
and which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over
to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it.
- $1700.00
Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning
it's your personal machine at home - $500.00
Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - $150.00
Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you
not to do - $300.00
Not telling all of your co-workers about it - $850.00
Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive - $50.00
BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive - $250.00
Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad - $25.00
Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees
- $35.00
Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50.00
Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - $35.00
Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button - $250.00
Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on -
$200.00
Fixing the "hung" system by plugging the ethernet transciever back in -
$375.00
Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord
someone accidentially yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real'
sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation - $400
Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the
monitor lead back in - $50
Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have
an account there - $10
Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to
have an account on because you used it to try to break into the
above server - $500
Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger -
$25
Changing memory partitions without informing me first - $50
Installing programs without informing me/getting permission first -
$100 per program
Technical support for the above programs - $150 per hour (regardless
of whether I know the program or not)
Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard
Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor
Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly
rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system
Leaving files on desktop - $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left
unclaimed
Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve - $50 plus cost of sleeve plus
cost of therapy
Bringing in your own copy of the ori