Worn Jokes / Recent Jokes
Washing Your CatSome people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of odors, from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog`s breath. (Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply more...
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I
offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked,' Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"
Why Jim Smith Lost His First LoveJim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, andafter careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a departmentstore and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pairof panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.(The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jimsealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.Dearest Darling, This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearingany when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your youngersister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wearsthe short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, butthe lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for threeweeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl more...
Since at one time or another, I have seen idiots doing such things, I thought I might just as well make it easy for them and give them a list.
When your car is so old as to break down every mile or so, be sure to drive on bridges and narrow highways during peak rush hour traffic.
If your car breaks down while driving, stay in the middle of the road. Do not attempt to move to the shoulder.
When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open.
If it is necessary to change your tire on a road shoulder, place the flat tire in the middle of the road and make traffic drive around it.
If your muffler system breaks, keep it broken as long as possible. Drive through residential neighborhoods at night as much as you can and rev the engine.
Drag your exhaust system on the ground when possible.
If your car leaks oil, and you visit friends or relatives, park in their driveway.
Never replace worn tires and drive fast on wet roads and slippery roads.
If you more...
*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you*You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked *You grind your coffee beans in your mouth *You sleep with your eyes open *You have to watch videos in fast-forward *You lick your coffee pot clean*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze *The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse *You can type sixty words a minute with your feet *You can jump-start your car without cables *Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low" *You don't sweat, you percolate *You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug *You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee *You've worn the finish off you coffee table *The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you *Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house *You're so wired you pick up FM radio *Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans" *Instant coffee takes too long *You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can *You name your cats more...
* You ski uphill. * You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. * You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." * You answer the door before people knock. * You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. * You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. * You sleep with your eyes open. * You have to watch videos in fast-forward. * The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. * You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. * You lick your coffeepot clean. * You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." * You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. * You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. * You chew on other people's fingernails. * The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. * You're so more...
This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests.
"Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test," the doctor said.
The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked, "Are you alright?"
"No" the old man said. "This just isn't going to work." he dejectedly explained. "There's no hope for me, I've worn out my left hand, I've worn out my right hand, I've run cold water over it, and I've run hot water over it. I've even thumped it on the edge of the sink.
But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!"