Worst Jokes / Recent Jokes
The ABSOLUTE WORST things to say to a police
officer:
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold
my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar
detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph
to keep up with me!. Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively
good physical condition to
be a police officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to
finish high school instead.
7. Bad cop! No donut!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire
confidence.
10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on
Cops?
11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the
picture on my girlfriend's night stand.
12. Is it true that people become cops
because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
13. I pay your salary!
14. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
15. more...
Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest:
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
(Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when more...
List of Top 10 Caddy Comments:
#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
#4 Golfer: "How do you like my more...
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems more...
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems more...
Top 50 Worst Reasons to pull an all-nighter
by Jeremy "Shaggy" Toeman ([email protected])
NOTE: an all-nighter means missing one night's worth of sleep.
Heated "Less-filling" "Tastes great" debate.
Need to figure out which way is east. Wait for sunrise.
Watching Professional Wrestling.
Writing script to "Problem Child 3" in an attempt to put to rest all
the unanswered questions from 1 and 2.
Cramming for a test you have the following week.
Waiting for friend to call back with answer to "How do you keep an
idiot up all night?"
Anything involving latin, Taylor's series, or heat transfer.
Attempting to discover how many licks it takes to get to the center
of a Tootsie Pop.
Slightly confused on that whole 5 o'clock shadow thing.
Listening to every CD you own using that cool "intro" feature that
comes in SO handy with every CD player available.
John more...
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful lady." May I buy you a drink?" the man asks the lady." Sure, but one thing I have to confess before you get intimate is that I was once a man," she responds." Whoa! I would have never known if you hadn't told me," the man says shocked, "Well what was the worst part of the operation? Was it when they sewed on those gahoonas?" "No," she says calmly." What about when they cut off your.." "No," she says hesitantly." Well what was the worst part of the operation?", the man asks." Well, the worst part has to be when they removed half of my brain!"