Wrong Jokes / Recent Jokes
A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law’s death. It also inquires whether she should be buried or burnt. He replies, ‘Don’t take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes. ’
The wife wants to try the missionary position. She’s on top while I’m in Africa.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals. ”
Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
A woman posted a personal ad that read, “Husband wanted”. The next day she received hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine!! ”
Man: “I know how to please a woman. ”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone. ”
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? ” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man. more...
Some Thoughts on Marriage
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was more...
The worried Preeto sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.
"How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said Preeto, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman. I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call Ashok at the more...
An elderly gentleman married a girl in her early twenties. The wedding went fine and they left on their honeymoon.
The elderly gentleman didn't get right with the program, as he was in a bad mood that night. The young wife felt that he was probably tired and let him sleep for a while.
A couple of hours later being excited for having sex, she decided that this had gone on long enough, but wanted not to appear over anxious and let him be the one in charge. She woke the old fellow up.
"What is the matter", he asked. She replied "This side of the bed is too hard, I want to lay on your side." He got up and walked around the bed, got in on her side and went to sleep.
A few minutes later she was starting to really want to consummate things. She awoke him again. "What now?" He asked. She said, "You know I think I was wrong, maybe that side is more comfortable let me lie on that side." Again he got up walked more...
Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Statistics is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with 95% confidence.
A guy was walking along the beach admiring the beautiful sunset when he noticed a young lady laying in the sand, she had no arms and no legs and was crying.
He goes over and asked what was wrong. She said, "I am 21 years old, I have no legs and no arms and I have never been kissed".
So, he bends down and kisses her and she stops crying. He gets up to walk away and she starts to cry again.
Again, he asks her what is wrong.
She says, "I am 21 years old, I have no arms and no legs and I have never been screwed."
So, he goes over to her, picks her up and throws her in the water, and says - "there, now you're screwed"!
"Can you help me? asked Alice."No," said Negative. "I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked. "No," said Negative. She pointed the other way. "Yes," said Positive. Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference." Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down. Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her more...