Wrong Jokes / Recent Jokes

Maw is outside the house hanging up the laundry, when she hears Jethro in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Jethro, get out there and fix that there outhouse."

He says, "All right, Maw."

He walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes there is son. Put your head down in the hole."

He puts his head down in the hole and he says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

He goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck!"

She says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five more...

Stalin is addressing the people. He announces:
Comrades, I have here a telegram from Trotsky. He states, "You were right and I was wrong. You are the true heir to Lenin. I should apologize."
From the front row a (comrade) tailor rises and calls, "Comrade Stalin!"
Stalin replies, "In our great free socialist state, even a tailor may address the head of state. What is it, Comrade Tailor?"
The tailor replies, "You`re reading it wrong."
"What," says Stalin, "what is wrong? How should I read it? Come up here and tell us."
The tailor reads: "You were right and I was wrong? *YOU* are the true heir to Lenin? *I* should apologize?"

Santa mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.
He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over.
This really bothers Santa so he asks him, "What's wrong with you?"
The reply is, "I got this in the war."
Santa finds this pretty disturbing so he switches seats.
The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times.
So Santa asks him, "What is wrong with you?"
Again the answer is, "I got this in the war."
Santa moves. The next guy poor Santa sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand.
Santa says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war?"
His reply was, "No, I got it out of my nose. I can't get it off of my hand."

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

"Oldest trick in the book, son," I informed him.

"You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape."

"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. Call the professional.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. more...

Then there was the man whose bread fell and landed buttered side up. He ran straight away to his rabbi to report this deviance from one of the basic rules of the universe.
At first the rabbi would not believe him but finally became convinced that it had happened. However, he did not feel qualified to deal with the question and passed it along to one of the world's leading Talmudic scholars.
After months of waiting, the scholar finally came up with an answer: "The bread must have been buttered on the wrong side."

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.
"Hello?" I said.
A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.
I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
"Is this Steve?"
My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.
So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at more...