Yard Jokes / Recent Jokes

The story behind this joke:... There's this nutball who digs things out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Paleoanthropology DivisionSmithsonian Institute207 Pennsylvania AvenueWashington, DC 20078Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. "Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu more...

Two rednecks decided they weren't going anywhere in life, and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first redneck went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." said the first redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife," continued the professor.
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are more...

Two rednecks decide that they aren't going anywhere in life and think
they should go to college to get ahead.
The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math,
History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you
own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replies the
professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have
a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously
catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual," more...

1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car. 2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. 3. You think the stock market has a fence around it. 4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater. 5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. 6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 7. You own a homemade fur coat. 8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. 9. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so Ican take a bath." 11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." 12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. 13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. 15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call fromthe Governor to spare a loved one. 16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hallbecause of her language. 17. Someone more...

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house. Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler. 'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.

An attractive young woman approached the clerk at the department store's fabric counter. "I would like to purchase some of this material for a new outfit. How much does it cost?" she asked.
"Only one kiss per yard," the male clerk replied smugly.
"That's fine," she replied. "I'll take six yards."
With great expectation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the fabric, wrapped it, then held it out teasingly.
The young woman snatched the package from his hand, pointed to the little old man standing next to her, and said with a grin, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

The railways are always looking for ways to cut labor costs. Years ago there used to be five crew members on a train. Then they went to four, then three, and now many freight train crews are made up of two people, the engineman and the brakeman.
They finally figured out a way to eliminate one more crewman, and many were surprised to find out that they were eliminating the engineman. They replaced him with a baboon who had been sent to school for just one day. Most engineers study for years before they can qualify for the job.
On the first trip the brakeman was a bit leery, but thought he'd give it a try. They outfitted the cab of the engine with two color monitors, one in front of the baboon, and one in front of the brakeman.
While in the yard, the brakeman heard the carman on the radio call for the brakes to be setup for the brake test. The screen in front of the baboon flashed the message "SETUP BRAKES" and the baboon did.
Next, the carman called for the more...