Yossi Jokes

The joke
David is telling a new joke to Yossi.
"Yitzhak and Hymie were talking one day..."
Right away, Yossi interrupts him. "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do your jokes always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once will you David!"
So David starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew`s Bar Mitzvah...."

The tailor
Yossi goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
"No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it`s fine."
"But the collar is up around my ears!"
"It`s nothing. Just hunch your back up a little. . . no, a little more.. . . that`s it."
"But I`m stepping on my cuffs!" Yossi cries in desperation.
"Nu, bend your knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
So, twisted like a pretzel, Yossi lurches out onto the street. Janine and Suzy see him go by.
"Oh, look," says Janine, "that poor man!"
"Yes," says Suzy, "but what a beautiful suit!"

Business always was business
The time is the French Revolution.
Yossi lived in a small village and one day, his friend Roberto came to see him after returning from a trip to Paris.
Yossi asked Roberto what was happening in Paris as he had heard they were regularly using the Guillotine.
“Yes, you heard right”, said Roberto, “conditions there are as bad as can be. They are chopping off people’s heads in their thousands.”
“Oy vay”, moaned Yossi, “whatever will happen to my hat business?”

Get up at once
Freda goes into her son`s bedroom. "You`ve got to get up for school, Yossi."
Yossi pulls the blankets over his head and replies, "I don`t want to go to school, mother."
"But you have to," Freda said.
"I don`t want to. The teachers don`t like me and all the kids make fun of me." Freda pulls the blanket back a little, "Yossi, you don`t have any choice. You`ve got to get up for school."
"OK, OK", says Yossi, "But only if you give me one very good reason!"
"You`re 52 years old and you`re the headmaster."

Flying High
Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."
Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?"
"Of course."
"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the Kol Nidre appeal?"
"Oh more...