"36 Things A Woman would NEVER say" joke

Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Hey, get a whiff of that one.
Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
This diamond is way too big.
I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Does this make my butt look too small?
I'm wrong, you must be right again.
I think belching is really sexy.
Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend.
Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers tonight?
I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all if you see other women.
I insist that you always put your mother before me.
I love a good cigar after sex.
I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old bass boat.
Move over, I'm driving. I love city traffic.
The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the workbench.
That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up chick. I wish I could meet her one day.
It's so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.
Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the Tyson fight at a bar.
Hey, we didn't have sex last night!
That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it again today.
Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all day.
I understand.
You don't swear enough.
I love it when you finger me while you drive.
Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's cheaper and we can spend the money we save on beer.
Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes outside.
Sure, you can wear your old work boots at our wedding. They go with anything.
I think I'll call him up and ask him out.
Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn't make that girl a slut! She's just really friendly.
I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.
Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.
Oh yeah, any hole you want.