"5 Questions that put FEAR into a Man!" joke

The 5 questions most feared by men are: 1... What are you thinking about? 2... Do you love me? 3... Do I look fat? 4... Do you think she is prettier than me? 5... What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i. e., tells the truth). As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses. Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a... Baseball. b... Football. c... How fat you are. d... How much prettier she is than you. e... How I would spend the insurance money if you died. Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a... Oh Yeah, crap loads. b... Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c... That depends on what you mean by love. d... Does it matter? e... Who, me? Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a... Compared to what? b... I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c... A little extra weight looks good on you. d... I've seen fatter. e... Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: a... Yes, but you have a better personality. b... Not prettier, but definitely thinner. c... Not as pretty as you when you were her age. d... Define pretty. e... Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat"). WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).

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