"ACTUAL STUDENT GCSE ANSWERS" joke

This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers.
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by
Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants
have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my
brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He
died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of
that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose
of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very
long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was
going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard
Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged
twice for the same offense.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his son's head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
shouted "hurrah."
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started
smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100
foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of
his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all
in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a
heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus
was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about
the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the
Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called
Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain
John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their
parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists
won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from
the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas
Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity
by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided
against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. His
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by
signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly
noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the
trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to
the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and
so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half
English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later
died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his
power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any
children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for
63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death
was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts
and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin
was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie
discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the
Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of
human history.

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