"A Dog’S Dictionary:" joke

Bath: A process by which humans use to drench the floor, walls and themselves. Retaliate by shaking vigorously and frequently.

Bicycle: Two-wheeled human transport device useful for dogs to control body fat or reduce boredom. For maximum effect, hide behind a bush and upon approach of such human-operated device, dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards-the human will swerve and fall, thereupon you proudly, but quickly, prance away.

Bump-regular: The best way to get human attention while the human is drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. To execute, maneuver your snout under the arm holding the liquid beverage. When your snout is properly positioned, with one smooth flowing action, bounce the human’s arm upward.

Bump-goose: A more involved maneuver than the bump-regular, requiring that you wrap your fore paws and legs around the human’s legs and begin climbing up the legs. This is a last resort when the bump-regular doesn’t get the desired attention. Please note: this advanced bump will almost certainly cause an immediate, unintended response, and caution is advised.

Deafness: A malady affecting dogs when a human requests action on your part. Frequently, phrases like: "come here", "get off", "get out" or "NO!" cause this malady. Symptoms include staring blankly at the human, running in opposite direction or lying down.

Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as a white bedspread, newly upholstered furniture, or the human’s favorite recliner chair.

Garbage Can: A container put out once a week to test your overall intelligence, ingenuity and skill. To succeed in this event, stand on your hind legs and carefully and quietly, push the lid off with your nose. With correct execution, you will find valuable treats inside such as Taco Bell Wrappers, pizza boxes with moldy crusts and other delicacies. Proper follow-through involves strewing the contents as consistently, within the immediate area, as possible.

Leash: A restrictive implement selected by humans based primarily on color, style or other impractical human criteria. This "pet restraint" attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your human around wherever you desire. Please note: leading a human around on a leash can frustrate him, so a certain amount of patience is required on your part.

Love: A feeling of intense affection which can vary from a simple pat on the head to a big kiss on your snout. The best way to show your appreciation and love is to wag your tail and jiggle your body from nose to tail.

Sofas: A multi-purpose household object that can be used as a dog bed (see above) or alternatively, as what humans refer to as a "napkin." After eating, it is polite to clean up by running your snout up and down the front of the sofa. This will ensure removal of all food particles from your whiskers.

Thunder: A signal or potential impending doom. Humans are curiously intrigued by this event, yet remain amazingly calm, so it is necessary to warn them of danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, running around in circles, and projecting a look of panic. To keep the humans calm, it is best to stay right on their heels during the event. If this occurs while the humans are sleeping, it is best to jump on their bed and wake them by walking back and forth across them.

Wastebasket: Similar to garbage can (see above), but smaller, easier to get into but not as often filled with the same delights. Wastebaskets usually are found in several locations throughout the human living space. These can be used to relieve boredom while the human is away from home. Turn over the basket and strew the contents all over the room. Shredding paper is particularly enjoyable, yet it is uncertain if humans truly appreciate the effort and time involved in the shredding process.