"A Few More Christmas Groaners" joke

Jimmy was a very smart boy, and he enjoyed church very much, but when
the choir began singing "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear," he didn't
concentrate on singing the song as he should have; instead, he wondered
why Gladly didn't go to an ophthalmologist and why they were singing a
song in church about a woodland animal with an eye problem anyway. (By
Timothy House)
"Mike, I've got a strange tale. Heard it from a Klingon last night, and
I thought the folks might appreciate it."
"It has to do with those two famous characters, Anakin and Luke
Skywalker. The tale concerns that time when Anakin was going by the name
of Vader, specifically the light saber battle they fought in the cloud
city. The depiction of that fight in the Lucas film was fairly accurate,
but it left out a few details."
"It seems that, during the course of the fracas, more words were
exchanged while the two of them were temporarily clenched with their
weapons locked against each other, and apparently the director must have
felt that some editing would make the dialogue a bit snappier, so some
of them were snipped out."
"So here's the rest of what they said to each other."
'Luke, there is something that you do not know.'
'What's that?'
'Luke, I know, beyond doubt, what you are getting for Christmas.'
'You're wrong. You can't know that.'
'Nevertheless, it is so.'
'I don't believe you! This isn't possible!'
'Trust me, Luke, I do know what you are getting for Christmas. I know
it with the same degree of certainly as I know of the inevitability of
the failure of your pitiful rebellion.'
'You can't know that. The rebellion will succeed!'
'I know a great many things, Luke. Join with me, let me show you the
true power of the Dark Side of the force, and together we can destroy
the emperor!'
'Is that why you think you know what I'm going to get for Christmas?
You think your mastery of the Dark Side can show you the future?'
'The Dark Side shows me many things, Luke, but I did not need it for this.'
'Then how do you know what I'm getting?'
'It's very simple, Luke.. .. I have felt your presents.'
Newly assigned officers to a Naval Air Station are quite often
"adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lieut. Commander,
kind-of became an Uncle to the family's only 4 year old daughter. One
Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. She said she
had learned all about. .. the ten commanders, and that they were always broke.
This same little girl, was told to draw her conception of the Hebrews
flight into Egypt. She came home with a picture of an airplane, the
passengers all with halos and one person up front without one. When
asked about it, she explained,. .. "Oh, that's Pontius, the pilot."
The Lord's Prayer has always been easy for kids to misinterpret, either
through poor enunciators or from mumbling congregations. One little boy,
always a classic joke, said,. .. "Harold be Thy name." Two other lesser
known prayers though are a little girl saying. .. "Give us this day our
jelly bread." Or the little New York boy who petitioned God to. .. "Lead
us not into Penn Station."
After hearing the Christmas story, and singing "Silent Night" a Sunday
School Class in Sao Paulo was asked to draw what they thought the
Nativity Scene might have looked like. One boy did a good likeness of
Joseph, Mary and the infant, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure.
The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into the
scene asked him who that was. She wasn't sure whether she was relieved
or even more worried when the boy responded,. .. "Oh, that's Round John Virgin."
A few years ago my husband and I were invited to a very small dinner
party in honor of Christmas. The hostess was one of those "Martha
Stewart" types and had squares of cheese with a toothpick topping
looking like little trees. "Sam," she says, "why aren't you eating any
cheese?" Knowing my husband couldn't find an elephant in the tub, I
explained,. .. "He can't see the cheese for the forest".
Morris Crisp was very sad when his father passed away. When his mother
remarried to a retired Navy captain named Arthur Ness, and made Morrie
take the name of his step-father. Morrie felt she was betraying the
memory of his father. After he grew up, and his mother died, Morrie had
Arthur committed to a nursing home and bilked him of his life savings.
When he was caught, the newspapers read, . .. "Morrie Crisp-Ness fleeces
Navy Dad!"
You should always test the goose's skin for doneness before "giving
your guests the bird" at dinnertime, because a soggy-skinned goose is
not only unappealing to eat but violates the spirit of Merry Crispness.
A wealthy yacht owner decided to give his crew a Christmas party in
port. He went ashore to round up evergreens, food, musicians and gifts.
When he returned, he found all the greens being installed, but on the
wrong ship. "Ahoy," he shouted, running down the dock,. .. "you're
treeing up the wrong barque."