"A few musings and bemusings" joke

: Utility companies tend to serve their clientele as regional monopolies. A similar system is used by drug gangs and Mafia families, but with better customer service.

Emphasis is not a substitute for reasoned argument -- Jesse Jackson, please take note.

Hunger is the best sauce -- but a nice curry comes close.

I do not look to rock musicians for moral and spiritual guidance for the same reason that I do not look to clergymen for three chords and a 4/4 beat.

The German government recently announced that, fifty-two years after the end of World War II, it would try to cut off pensions to Nazi war criminals. Boy, it's all in the timing, isn't it?

Dennis Rodman has said that he wants to play his last NBA game completely naked. I just hope he doesn't do much dribbling.

I did on one occasion commit free verse, but it was ruled justifiable and I was acquitted.

There is no right answer when a woman asks you "Do I look fat?" If you say "no" she will think that you are lying to spare her feelings, conclude she is fat, and hate you. If you say "yes" U.S. Marshals will find the bloody shreds of your body spread over three states. Feign death until she loses interest and wanders away.

New Yorkers deserve each other.

Many people have suggested to Ted Kennedy that he should be more like his brother John. In my opinion, Ted needs that like a hole in the head.

Who-Gives-A-Rat's-[CENSORED] Department: According to a Reuters news report, the airport at Ernesto Cortissoz, Columbia, was shut down for almost an hour on September 5th when a rat relieved itself on a high-power cable, causing a short circuit and countless air-travel delays. The rat has since received employment offers from several major airlines.

I am considering applying for employment with the IRS. Given the common perception of an adversarial relationship between the IRS and taxpaying public, it's always nice to be on the winning side.

Under heavy Senate questioning, an aide to vice-president Al Gore categorically denied that the veep's now-infamous visit to the Hsi Lai Temple was a fundraiser. Hearings were then recessed to allow the aide's nose to shrink back to its original size.

A small child is the most effective birth-control device known to man.