"Actual pick-up attempt" joke

Here is an actual story from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. He
wanted to go out with this girl so he made up a petition to that effect,
got it signed by 50 people, and included a copy of this:
TOP 118 REASONS WHY TAMARA SHOULD GO OUT WITH ROB
~~~
His shoelaces are hardly ever untied
Doesn't pick his nose in public
Has never put a red shirt in with the whites
Was not directly responsible for the Holocaust
When getting off an elevator at a 20+ story building, he doesn't
push all the buttons so everyone has to stop at every floor
Elvis is dead and Bob Saget is married; who's left?
Reads National Geographic, and not just for the nude pictures
of African gorillas
His cat seems to like him
Hasn't wet his bed for at least two weeks now
Has his own 'Captain Kirk' coffee mug
Always keeps his printer paper well-stocked
Doesn't turn into a werewolf during full moons
He hardly ever slurps when drinking soup
Knows the capital of Eritrea
Always manages to resist the urge to poke sharp objects into his ear
on the first date
Is very proficient at whistling the French national anthem
Is only mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword
puzzle he began in 1981
He is not an alien from another dimension bent on World destruction
Played no part in the Cuban Missile Crisis
Has never been Captain of, nor been aboard, the Exxon Valdez
Very rarely has homicidal tendencies
Makes excellent use of his spare time
DOES NOT OVERUSE THE CAPSLOCK KEY
He subscribes to the theory that the world is round
He does not make fun of Boutros-Boutros Ghali's name unnecessarily
Is mixing up 'dessert' and 'desert' less and less every day
He found Waldo
Has never passed out on any world leader's front lawn
Has never been fired by George Steinbrenner
Cried at the end of John Steinbeck's 'Of Mice and Men'
Has never found rude shapes in clouds
Tries not to giggle when he cuts one
Has never blatantly misused a blender
Rarely blacks out for more than a few seconds
Makes a real effort not to spit when he talks
Owns the Led Zeppelin box set and makes copies for his friends
Doesn't scrape his vegetables onto his grandmother's plate when
no one is looking
Wears male undergarments
Has never been struck by lightning while simultaneously being hit
by a falling meteorite
Is an accomplished tv-watcher
Has never been involved in the shipment of plutonium to Germany
Has never opened fire on an innocent group of unarmed people
Did not mastermind Julius Caeser's death; that was Cassius
Owns issues 1-34 of Starman comics in near mint condition
Has Patrick Roy's autograph
Had no trouble committing his phone number to memory
Regularly gets the high score on "Super Mario Bros."
Rarely stares directly at the sun
Has never dumped in his pants while sliding into 2nd base
Has never broken into a bear's home and eaten all his porridge
Has never given the bird to a lady over age 60
So far, has never resorted to cannibalism
Has never exploited the tradition of mistletoe to kiss his aunt
Never stares at someone's wart for more than 2-3 minutes
Has never caused a traffic accident because he was fixing his make-up
Has no communicable diseases
No tyrannical system of government is named after him
Has no plans to ever give the Pope a wedgie
Was completely uninvolved in the trade that sent Doug Gilmour away
for Gary Leeman
Never rings doorbells and then runs away before they answer
Hard as it may be to believe, he has never lost a pole vault
competition
Never forgets his bug spray when going out into the woods
Has never pulled the football away from Charlie Brown
Very rarely ties cans to a cat's tail
Hardly ever referred to as 'infernal'
Has never suffered from lockjaw
Recognizes Xenon as a noble gas
Excellent at compiling purposeless lists
Would give up his appendix for the r