"Attainable Affirmations" joke
The boss giving you a rough time? Just try these "attainable affirmations," and your work week is sure to fly by!1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.17. I am at one with my duality.18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"23. False hope is better than no hope at all.24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute...I'll find someone.27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.31. To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
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