"Blind Dates" joke

Most all bachelors have been the victims of a blind date.
Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing to "fix up" unsuspecting bachelors with girls whom they describe as "perfect for you".
However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like. After considerable research, as a public service, I have attempted to translate some of these descriptive
phrases into plain English:
dandy little house keeper:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses
fine character:
She's ugly
knows how to handle money:
She's a spendthrift and great at spending yours
spotless reputation:
She's ugly
strong family ties:
She's a Mafia Princess
loves children:
She's pregnant and needs a husband
wonderful personality:
She's fat
great sense of humor:
She's fat and will laugh at anything you say
the outdoor type:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the guys
ready to settle down:
She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry
likes to have a good time:
She gets drunk a lot
lots of fun at parties:
Often makes an ass of herself
mature woman:
She's at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five
has the appearance of a young school girl:
She's at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager
casual:
She dresses like a slob
decorated her own place:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty
a great dancer:
She'll wear the soles right off your shoes
not overly emotional:
She only cries twenty-seven times a day
doesn't chase men:
She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type
seldom dates:
She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something
understands men:
She's been married and divorced four times
a good sport:
She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table
looks and dresses like a model:
She's five eleven and weighs seventy three pounds
been in show business:
She's a former porn movie star
traveled a lot:
She's searched high and low for a husband
knows a lot of interesting people:
None of whom would marry her
wonderful disposition:
She's ugly