"Cards You Won't Find At Hallmark" joke

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:... What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!... Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you... have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love... After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life... I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!... I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married... but not to you."
"You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me... Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend... So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time... What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you... It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy... Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--- So we're having you put to sleep."