"Cheating Spouse" joke

"COMMON SIGNS OF A CHEATING SPOUSE"

HUSBAND:
Chances are that if you suspect your husband is cheating on you, he probably is. But before you call your lawyer or if you think you're just being paranoid, check out these signs of infidelity.
1. Your cheating husband tells you he just hired a new assistant and that she's not very pretty. However, when you meet her for the first time, she's absolutely gorgeous. If your husband isn't cheating, or thinking about it, he wouldn't lie to you about her looks.
2. Cheating husband comes home with lipstick on his collar and says a colleague accidentally bumped into him.
3. Suddenly, cheating husband starts coming home later than usual. He makes excuses that he's working late or hanging around with buddies for a couple of drinks after work. Many times he's telling the truth, but if it happens more often then not, you may have a problem.
4. You are getting phone calls from women who claim that they work with your husband and have to ask him something important. When cheating husband picks up the phone he whispers, or tells that person that he'll call later.
5. All of a sudden cheating husband starts exercising and his grooming habits have changed.
6. You find a long blonde hair on the seat of his car.
7. Cheating husband comes home late and you feel like "being romantic" and he tells you he has a headache!
8. He starts bringing you flowers and acts especially nice.
9. The only way to know for sure, is to catch him in the act. If you really believe your husband is cheating, you'll have to catch him yourself or hire a private detective.
10. One especially good trick to try, is to press the re-dial on his phone. It's sneaky, but effective. You never know whom he may be calling.
WIFE:

Some men who suspect their wife are cheating may be in denial and refuse to believe it. Well, for all those other men who are willing to seek the truth, check out these signs of a cheating wife.
1. After 10 years of marriage cheating wife tells you that she's overweight and has hired a personal trainer named "Antonio."
2. You find a charge slip in the waste basket from a nearby motel by mistake.
3. You find a present she says was from her mother. You open the box and find a pair of sexy panties.
4. You come home one day and find a cigarette butt in the ashtray, yet nobody in the house smokes.
5. She's uncharacteristically spending money on new clothes.
6. The phone rings several times within a week and when you pick it up they hang up.
7. Cheating wife starts acting like a teenager who has a crush on the quarterback.
8. Your wife tells you that she's visiting a friend who is sick. This one is a classic, and it works all the time.
9. Cheating wife says that she loves you, but doesn't act like it. Remember, a person is judged on what they do, not what they say.
10. You are driving in the car together and hear the Eagles song, "Lyin Eyes," and she cringes as she changes the station.
If this sounds like your life, you will need some real evidence. Luckily, this is very easy thanks to today's technology.