"Computer Dictionary" joke

386: No, 486: Oops, Pentium: The only chip to consider if you're thinking of
buying a PC. Until Intel ramps up the 686.
640K: The salary the average Wall Street PC analyst pulls in each year.
Algorithm: A catchy 1930 song by George and Ira Gershwin.
Availability: Date when a dozen copies of the beta version will be hurriedly
shrink-wrapped for the benefit of the press and the investment community.
Backup: The chore you were really, honestly, going to do the very next thing
before you switched drive letters and accidentally copied older, out-of-date
versions of you files over all your newer ones at 3 a.m.
Buffer: The only other job - involving a chamois at the car wash - for which
most computer store salespeople are qualified.
Bundled software: Free applications like home dentistry packages and Esperanto
spelling dictionaries that are thrown in with cheap clones so you think you're
getting real value for your money.
CD-ROM: A $30 dollar mechanism in a $300 cabinet that accesses vast quantities
of valuable information too slowly to use.
Copy protection: A sly technique employed by hardware vendors to combat
software piracy by continually changing the size and compatibility of disk
drives (from 160K to 320K to 360K to 1.2MB to 720K to 1.44MB to 2.88MB, etc.).
CP/M: An antiquated operation system from the early days of computing, based
on inscrutable prompts like A>, terse commands, and absurdly backward
conventions, such as 11-character limits on filenames. Contrasted with today's
modern versions of DOS.
Database, flat-file: A program selling for under $500 that most people use to
keep lists of names and addresses, etc.
Database, relational/programmable: A program selling for over $500 that most
people use to keep lists of names and addresses, etc.
Debugging: The process of uncovering glitches by packaging prerelease software
as finished products, then waiting for irate customers to report problems.
Downward compatibility: You really didn't have to spend the money for the
upgraded version, since all you use anyway is the old set of features.
End User: One born every minute.
Entry level: Only slightly above most users' heads.
Expanded memory: RAM that is, uh, well, um, different from extended memory.
Expansion slot: The computer didn't come with everything you needed.
Extended memory: RAM that is, uh, well, um, different from expanded memory.
FAX: Originally a last resort for procrastinators who missed the final Federal
Express pickup; these days, an expensive way to order lunch from the pizza
place around the corner.
Firmware: Software with permanent bugs hardwired into it.
Icon: One picture is worth a thousand lawsuits. Or, as Shakespeare might have
put it, "He who steals my trash better have a large purse.
Installation routine: A process employed by many applications to overwrite and
thereby trash the user's existing and painstakingly created AUTOEXEC.BAT and
CONFIG.SYS files
Interface, character-based: A way of presenting information to the user that's
every bit as good as a user interface except in the areas of readability, ease
of use, intuitiveness, and productivity.
Interface, graphic user (GUI): An increasingly popular way of presenting
information to the user, originally designed by Xerox PARC and now being
adopted by dozens of competitors; otherwise known as the Trial Attorney Full
Employment Act.
Laptop: A dinky keyboard wedded to a lousy LCD screen, all with bad battery
life.
Live links: A clever system that lets you unknowingly corrupt data in lots of
separate files at the same time.
Low-bandwidth: The process of talking to a corporate press relations official.
(Question: How many IBM PR types does it take to change a light bulb? Answer:
We'll have to get back to you on that.)
Nanosecond: The time it takes after your warranty expires for your har