"Employer Speak: What They Say And What They Mean By It" joke

Entry level position:
You'll be making minimum wage.

Entry level position in an up-and-coming company:
You'll be making minimum wage; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

Profit sharing plan:
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.

Competitive salary:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join our fast-paced company:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

Nationally recognized leader:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

Immediate opening:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

Casual work atmosphere:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up, although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Competitive environment:
We have a lot of turnover.

Must be deadline oriented:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some overtime required:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Flexible hours:
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

Must have an eye for detail:
We have no quality control.

College degree preferred:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Social Work.

Career minded:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply in person:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

No phone calls please:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Problem solving skills a must:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.