"Food-porn" joke

FOODPORN: Pornography for dieters (?) by Frank LaRosa
Brought to you by Searchlight bbs 516-724-0971
Dear Editors,
I read your fine magazine eagerly each month, and one of my
favorite features is the letters you receive from your readers. I
always enjoy hearing about their exploits, but until now I never
thought anything like that could ever happen to me. However all that
changed last Friday night, when I had one of the most incredible
experiences of my life, and felt I just had to write and share it
with everyone.
It was about 10:30 PM and I was sitting in my dorm room going
over some boring math homework that I really didn't feel like doing.
Normally there is plenty to do on Friday nights at my college, but it
was the first day of spring break and the campus was practically
deserted. Since I couldn't afford to go to Florida with my buddies,
I was forced to spend the vacation on campus by myself. I was fully
expecting a rather dull week of nothing but studying and watching TV.
Anyway, I was concentrating on my math book when suddenly I
heard a loud bang and a screech coming from outside. I rushed to the
window to see what had happened. On the street below I saw a white
minivan with the words "Carlo's Italian Restaurant" on the side. The
van pulled slowly to the side of the road, obviously suffering from
a tire blowout. Relieved at an excuse to break up the monotony of my
studying, I decided to go outside and see if I could be of any help.
As I approached the van I could see the driver, an overweight,
brown haired woman who introduced herself as Gail. We both examined
the flat tire and I asked Gail where she was heading. She said she
was supposed to deliver an order of Italian food to a party, some
rich eccentrics who lived in the upper part of town, she said. But
the party had been cancelled at the last minute and she was
returning with their order. She said she didn't think there was a
spare tire in the van but I suggested that we take a look anyway.
We went around to the back of the van and Gail opened the rear
doors. A warm rush of steam came from inside, carrying the rich
scent of fresh tomato sauce and Italian bread. In the cargo area
were trays and trays of lasagna, meatballs, and pork smothered in
sauce. A stack of pizza boxes lay to one side, and I could see what
looked like a case of beer towards the back. Never in my wildest
fantasies had I seen anything like the banquet that lay before me
now. After living on lousy school cafeteria food for the past two
months, it all seemed something like a dream come true.
Gail looked around and said she couldn't find the spare tire.
She sighed, giving me a strangely seductive look. "Well," she said,
"I guess I won't be able to get back to the restaurant for a while.
It would sure be a shame to let all this food go to waste." At that,
I knew something incredible was about to happen. Gail manouvered her
pudgy frame into the back of the truck. I couldn't believe my eyes
as she began unwrapping the mountain of food before us. "Here," she
said, handing me a huge tray of lasagna. The dish was warm and heavy
and full of rich Italian smells. When I looked back I noticed that
Gail had started without me and was already busy with a large,
greasy pepperoni pizza.
I sat on the edge of the van and removed the tin foil from the
lasagna tray. I peeled the foil back slowly, carefully, revealing
the hot pleasures within. The sauce oozed like lava around the melty
mozarella cheese, and pools of oil were everywhere. I ran my finger
along the edge of the plate, and then gently through the heart of
the food, delighting in the warm, slippery feel of the pasta
underneath. After a few minutes of working my fingers in and out I
removed them and slowly licked off the sweet-tasting sauce.
My sense of hunger heightened, I lifted the tray closer to my
face. My hands s