"Guy Speak Translated" joke

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means: "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
Really means: "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means: "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means: "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means: "I found' Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means: "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means: "I forgot our anniversary. Again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means: "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means: "It's got guns, babes, fast cars."

"That's women's work."
Really means: "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means: "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means: "I am incapable of making a decision."

"I do help around the house."
Really means: "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means: "What did you catch me at?"

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means: "She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you."
Really means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means: "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means: "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means: "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means: "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means: "This time we won't use the drive-thru window."