"How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?" joke

Prisoner: Look here, doc! You`ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

Tom: What`s good for excessive wind, doctor? Doctor: A kite!
Bill: My wife beats me, doctor` Doctor: Oh dear. How often? Bill: Every time we play Scrabble!

Sam: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests! Doctor: Never mind, you`ll pass eventually. Sam: But I`m the examiner!

Doctor: You`re in good health. You`ll live to be 80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

Patient: Please tell me, doctor, am I getting better? Doctor: I think so. But to be sure, let me feel your wallet...

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?" "I don`t see why not," replies the doctor. "That`s funny," says the man. "I wasn`t able to play it before."

Death: What some patients do, in the end, to humiliate the doctor.

Worst thing a doctor could say to his patient: "Your condition is so rare, we`re not sure we`re pronouncing it right."

Bombeck`s Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care." "Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn`t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."
The patient shook his doctor`s hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I`d like to make a little change..."

A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor. Man: Doctor, I have a terrible (FARRRT!) problem. I just can`t (FFFART!!) stop farting. Doctor: That is an unusual complaint. Take off your clothes and lay, stomach down, on the couch. The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute - the man farting all the time this is going on. Doctor: Aha! This should be easy to cure. Excuse me for a moment. The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp spike at one end. Man: (FAART!) Oh my God! (fart..) What are you going to do with (FFFARTT!!) that?! Doctor: I need to open a window.