"Kids on the Old and New Testaments" joke

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)... Enjoy!* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called
Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.* Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals.* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
like Delilah.* Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.* Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
hebrews in the battle of Geritol.* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.* David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.* Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta.* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in
the manager.* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."* It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.* The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles
were the wives of the apostles.* One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.* Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.