"Lessons in Golf" joke

The revelation that golf carts do not have four-wheel drive came to me one morning as I tried to find my ball in the mud, which I found out later was actually not part of the golf course at all but rather the site of a pending condo project, half a block away. I must have missed the out-of-bounds marker when I was crossing the freeway. It was just one more lesson in the complex world of golf.

I remember the first time I played. My twosome was paired up with another twosome. After my tee-off on the first hole went somewhat awry, landing on the clubhouse roof, one of the other players asked if I had a handicap. I thought his joke in poor taste and threatened him with my 9-iron. Now, of course, I realize that having a handicap is a good thing, even if it is 52.

Learning the rules and language of golf is crucial. It separates the obvious beginning from someone just having another bad day. Therefore, I have from experience compiled a few lessons that may help other novices.

If the instructor tells you to address the ball, do not take out a pen and write "to green" on the ball.

Try not to stand on asphalt in the summer while wearing golf shoes, unless you are with a very strong friend.

The easiest way to find a lost golf ball is to ask the guy limping in the next fairway.

Never insist that your spouse play golf. It can lead to only two results. One, she/he plays really badly, complains for four hours and ruins your whole day. Or, he/she plays really well, offers four hours of suggestions on how you might do better and ruins your whole day.

A double bogey is not a strong drink from the movie Casablanca. It means two over par. And not a bad score at all. If they have a name for it it's a good score. There is no name for a fifteen.

A chip is not something left behind by a foraging cow. That's a flap. A chip is a carefully choreographed half-swing that often goes further than your original drive.

A divot is a lump of grass that flies up from where the golf ball used to be. A damnit is a lump of grass that flies up in your face as you hit two feet behind the ball.

A slice is a ball that curves to the right. A bad slice is a ball that lands behind you.

A tough lie has double meanings. It's when you have to come up with an excuse - for the umpteenth time - as to why it took six hours to play nine holes and why your breath smells like nacho chips and beer. It also refers to a difficult spot to have to hit your ball from. For i