"Man - A Chemical Analysis" joke

Element: Man
Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some
isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day
when she had a craving for ribs)
Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo,
often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties
Surface often covered with hair bristly in some areas, soft in others.
Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common
Sense,
melts if treated like a God.
Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with
Wo.
Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive
to
extremely thick.
Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only
when
subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied
Chemical properties
All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction
is possible.
May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely
favorable conditions.
Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction
effects
(which tend to turn the specimen bright red.)
Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to
violent/bloody.
When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel
most other elements.
Is repelled by most household appliances and common household
cleansers.
Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of
the
malodorous variety.
Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
Uses
Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for
favorable
reaction style.
Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for
Wo...
Can be used in recreational activities.
Tests
Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens
broadcast
information on many wavelengths.
Caution
Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes
with reaction to a particular Wo specimen.
Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.