"Newsbriefs #2" joke

I wrote these for our campus humor paper before Christmas break. Some are
UCSD specific, like our new rule banning "fighting words." Some were written
before Romania revolted. And some might be offensive. Bearing that in
mind...
The first arrest under the new "fighting words" policy was made. A
reggae group performing in the Price Center was arrested after singing a song
calling for the end to apartheid in South Africa and whipping up student
fervor. A spokesperson for the police said that the Regents could not tolerate
anyone claiming the world wasn't as kind and gentle as President Bush had
officially declared it was.
The federal government completed the phasing out of lobbying in Congress,
calling it a serious breach of democracy and not in the best interests of the
nation. It will be replaced by a series of public auctions where both
senators' and representatives' votes will be sold to the highest bidder.
Already, most big businesses and many organized religions have applied for
bidding privileges, gearing up to purchase votes for the bill that is now
before Congress: whether to indict Senator Alan Cranston for ethics
violations.
The FBI, using its new authority to arrest criminals around the world
without the host country's consent, descended on Mexico last week. They
arrested a Mexican national for possession of one joint, and under the America
"zero tolerance" law, confiscated the entire country. President Salinas lashed
out at the FBI's action, calling it an unjustifiable breach of international
law, but an FBI spokesman told Salinas to shut up and finish scrubbing out the
lavatory.
President Bush harshly denounced the Communist governments still holding
out against reform. He criticized their violent suppression of political
demonstrations and food riots, saying that police force should not be used to
solve social problems. He stressed the importance of helping people to reform,
rather than sentencing them to unprofitable incarceration. He then excused
himself to attend a "War On Drugs" rally.
More news later from Koala News, UCSD's news leaders.