"On Midlife..." joke

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full..of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans..we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves..and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife..jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.

Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!

Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?

Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself..and your chins follow suit.

Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you'd need a control top flea collar.

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.

You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here..how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?