"Quotations Compiled from Actual Resumes" joke

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my
resume on my office voice mail.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one, and
absolutely nothing.
My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit
a job.
Marital status: often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving last job: The boss insisted that all employees get to
work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in my class of ten.
References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
I am being an expert working on the Bananna Vines network.
I am sure to be a great ass to your company.
I am a jack-of-all-trades but not a jack-of-all-asses.
Here's a personal contribution from a cover letter I received:
Dear Mr. Sap Guy,
I am enclosing my resume herewithe for your kind perusal. I like to work very
hard for you company. I am having 6 weeks of SAP R/3 training which is
equivalence to 2 yearts professional experiments. I can speaking my very good
english for you to like. Please contact me at your fastest conferencing to
discuss now job holes.
Awaiting your contact,
X.